The last few years have been very difficult years for me. Starting in around September 2008, the Universe has been conspiring to have me go deep within and look at very long term patterns and beliefs. It is no coincidence that this major shift in me has also aligned with the global economic crisis. Part of my deep inner exploration has involved looking at my relationship to money, my money habits, my sense of my value in the world, or lack of, and the larger system surrounding me and money. It is also interesting for me to note that this two year deep dive was the very two years building to my half century. Questions raised included questions of age, health, death, and then the big questions…like what am I going to focus on for my next fifty years, what value do I bring, how do I want to show up in the world, and how is my value recognised?
Certainly during this time I have been simultaneously aware of both the pain of this…and the unfolding beauty of the experience, knowing that the end of this particular journey I would be ever closer to my own truth, ever more authentic, ever more at peace with my place in the world.
The most delightful part of this experience is now emerging. And I am both surprised and thrilled to say that I have recognised a pattern that has been so long term and deeply held, and yet so far below my conscious awareness.
That pattern has been a deep belief that life is HARD. Making it (surviving) is HARD. Relationships are HARD.
Fortunately I have been blessed with a very happy disposition, so while my belief was that life is hard, I have faced most days with both fortitude and a positive attitude.
However I have held that 80-90% of life is hard, and that you grab joy when you can.
No longer. While I love a good challenge and some serious problem solving, I am now choosing to see life as mostly wonderful, full of ease, grace, beauty and flow. If we look at nature, there is a beautiful daily reminder of this. Sure, there are cyclones, floods and drought, and the lions eat the lambs, but when nature is left to its own flow state, it takes care of its self very well. After the fire comes renewal. And if there are big, unpredictable events like a comet strike that renders whole species extinct, nature seems to get back to its task of regeneration. The small plant will grow in a rocky outcrop, against the odds. It is the nature of things.
I am now living from the place of life being easy. Making money is easy, surviving is easy. Relationships are easy. This is not a faux belief, but a genuine switch in the core of my belief system. How do I know?…there is no doubt. It just is so. Life is easy, beautiful, flowing filled with grace. Not only is this what I have felt inside, it is what has shown up on the exterior. Grace, ease, flow.
I have an image of the word ‘struggle’ lying bleeding to death.
What a relief. All these years to find that I was wired for ‘hard’. Ughh!! What a waste of effort.
Life is easy, beautiful and flowing. I am surrounded by grace.
2:23AM Integrity is the Essence
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