Well I made it. It was never really in doubt…but here I am, now in the dawn of my 5th decade. What a journey these last few months have been.
On Tuesday, August 31st, 2010, I did finally feel like this was the beginning of the beginning. A new day, a new way of being, a new life. I had the most fabulous day…quiet, no major celebration. It started as a usual Tuesday. A run at 5 am at the track with the boys. The banter was its usual full on. Running with the boys you can be sure if you piss them off in any way, they will tell you immediately. No silent treatment, covert manipulation…just blunt, politically incorrect ‘sock it to me, baby’ truth. I love that. I don’t find the same level of raw truth so common in groups of women. Tiptoeing through land mines of sensitivity feels more like what happens in groups of women. Maybe I am more of a guy. Heavens knows I have spent most of my life with groups of men. I have not, to date, been very good at political correctness and heightened sensitivity, although I am working on becoming more so. (The sensitivity part….I will continue to give the whole PC deal a wide berth…I mean please…our opposition leader Tony Abbot being crucified for saying ‘no means no’, because apparently it has something to do with an anti-rape campaign. Here I was assuming that anyone has the right to say ‘no means no’.)
After the run, many calls, emails, and then surprise deliveries later, Natalie and I managed to leave the house and drive to the beach and the cafe for breakfast. A healthy breakfast, I might add. Then from here a ‘girls day out’, just the two of us, mother and daughter, window shopping, something we have not done together for a long time. The temptation to purchase was almost non-existent, something I am loving about becoming UN-addicted to shopping as a result of severe belt tightening.
We lunched on a healthy vegan hamburger with a Corona chaser. One beer in the middle of the day and I was quite tiddly. Natalie thought it was very funny. So much so she posted a comment on Facebook, and many other people had a laugh at my expense.
Home to another delivery, this time a big box of “Roses Only”, a dozen long stemmed pink and yellow roses, from my beautiful daughter. (She also gave me an ipad, very spoilt am I.) We had some birthday cake, my mother joined us, and spent some time going through my solar return chart (birthday to birthday)…happily I can report that as long as I do my inner work, it will be a good year, a VERY good year…..a girlfriend delivered some champagne and a voucher for a pedicure, and my mother, my daughter and I left to go to see Burn the Floor, a fabulous and explosive live dance show. Home early, drank some champagne, watched some trash TV (something I rarely do) with Natalie and that was my day. Perfect in every way.
Getting to this point has been a big deal. Not the last 50 years, but the last few months. Long time readers will know I have been on quite a journey…which has included…
*Rekindling a relationship with my feminine. Still a work in progress…
*Releasing anger….this has been a big deal, brought to the surface by a breakdown with a team member in the Kokoda Challenge. After doing extensive inner work with the wonderful support of Cynthia, Laurent and my mother, I came to recognise that I had been born angry. It was as if I did not want to be here, did not want this life, this body, my situation. This at a very deep level, because I love life. How this manifest was not in depression, although I have had brushes with depression, but with a deep vein of anger. A toxic waste site buried somewhere in a hidden corner of my psyche, only bubbling to the surface when things outside got uncomfortable, out of my control, or not the way I wanted it. Looking your own anger square in the eye is quite a humbling exercise. In releasing it I do truly feel like this is the birth of a new me, choosing consciously to be in this life, in this body, in all the good and bad, the beautiful and ugly, the love and the pain. As part of this exercise I also looked myself in the eye, accepting all of it. ALL OF IT. Phew!!! Three days after a releasing exercise I had a dream. I had been praying for a dream, for guidance, for a few days. I rarely remember my dreams. With an old dog Muffin, I am often up several times a night to tend to her, so I was aware that I was not dreaming at all. Silence. BIG silence. Zero. No dreams. Then exactly three days later (symbolic perhaps of the crucifixion and resurrection?) I dreamt I was shot dead. I woke the moment I died. It felt very real. My daughter and my dog, the two beings I am responsible for the care of, were safe before I died. It did feel like a part of me, an old and icky part of me, had died. It was quite a shocking experience.
*Evaluating my friendships and relationships. I have great and amazing friends. Long term friends…years and years of knowing each other, and some much newer. There are a few critical keys that I cherish about my friends. When there is an upset, we stay in the conversation until resolution. Not compromise…but resolution. I care enough about my friends that if there is an upset, I will speak to them about it, and they with me. We stay clean and clear. And we will go into the dark and murky places if needs be. No one will leave the room, or if they do, only for a short time before they come back. We don’t hold back. There is a deep and open channel of connection. Nothing hidden. As one of my friends of 20 years who I hadn’t seen for some time (she had been living in the UK) said to me…”Christine ever since I have known you I have known that to hang out with you I cannot get away with my shit..ever”(bless you Bronnie)……I like being around people who are the same with me. We don’t get away with our shit together. We do not collude with each other to stay small and safe. We go to the edge…and we are willing to be pushed. There are no guarantee’s of glory or fame, however I do get to look in the mirror and like who I see. Zero bullshit tolerance. And we resonate together…we do not always agree, but we come from the same set of principles, steeped in integrity. AND, we are constantly growing, learning, practicing, applying, seeking the edges. True positive deviants, all. No playing safe.
*As a result of this evaluation, I have recognised that I need to reach out more…to build more relationships with people like this. I can be very introverted, I like the internet, phone and skype, and I don’t do well at networking functions…so my task now is to reach out to more professional and entrepreneurial women in my local community. Men as well, for at some point it may be nice to have an intimate partnership, and I am not going to meet him if I stay home. (No I am not going to do the internet dating thing…been there, done that, and my intuition says that is not it for me.) Reaching out will also help me from a business point of view, although that is secondary to the prime motivation of meeting like minded people.
A recognition of when I am in flow, connected, and feel the Universe rolling in ecstasy at my feet. This was a big deal, as I was feeling so disconnected and in scarcity. Cynthia helped me with this. I feel deeply connected when I write…there is a knowing..even though I have no idea what I am going to write before I sit down, and I never know where it is going to go…it is such a wonderful mystery to me… yet I just know that it will be there, and so many times what is there surprises the heck out of me. There is no shortage, or scarcity, or lack…In coaching, same deal. I completely trust, again without having a clue what will happen, where it will go, what will come up, what needs to be said. When I am facilitating groups, without a structure, or agenda. Again, I am in present time, tapped into something else, and there I go..or where I go to find the words I have no idea, but they are there, and the more I trust and let go, the more miracles happen. This is one reason why I cannot do keynotes so well, because I am not so good at preparing…I want to do the Bucky thing, and stand, present, look to the ceiling, look down, open my mouth, and speak. But I a deeply attached to it being about the audience, about what they want..rather than delivering what I think they may want. Therefore, I must engage with them somehow…if anyone has ideas on how to do this and have it be a keynote, let me know…as I have not made the translation yet.
More is unfolding…and I feel deeply excited and peaceful about the future. My wonderful partners in The Constellation, the amazing friends, the incredible relationship with my daughter, my super health and vitality, these are all assets that are priceless. There are books to write, courses to lead, lessons to learn, mountains to climb, marathons to run, people to meet and fall in love with….all of this…
Thank you to you, my readers, for your endurance, interest, and loyalty. I love hearing from you, connecting with you, knowing you. Please write me, leave a comment, and tell me what I am doing well, what you would like more or..less of…etc…or just say hello.
As my daughter says…mum, since you plan to live to 140 healthy, then you are not even half way there. When you are 70 we will have a party, and we will rock the world. I am a late bloomer, it is the beginning of the beginning…
2:23AM Integrity is the Essence
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