How to say NO – rule #6 have it be an absolute Yes!

To say an absolute Yes to something or someone is not an experience to be taken lightly. When I say a Yes, I need to be sure that every part of my body, mind, spirit, soul..is aligned.

That there is not one corner, or cell, or mote of dust within me that says no. If there is even a shadow, the faintest whisper, tiniest inkling of a no, then the answer for now, is a no.

And when we do say YES from this place of alignment, it becomes a transmission. People get the power of your yes (or no). Because you have zero misalignment, the message has zero misalignment. And of course, everything else lines up. Mountains move.

So why do we say yes when we mean no? (Or no when we mean yes?)

Saying yes to something when we mean no can mean the following.

*The ego aspect of our self really really wants this. If I say yes to this I am going to… impress my friends… impress the person I am saying yes to…be seen as good…be seen as being a nice person…be seen as being smart, or savvy….the list goes on and on.

*Or it could be for a short term gain… If I say yes it may mean that I am not going to be lonely anymore. I may say yes to getting married, or having a relationship, because I am so terrified of being alone, or not loved.

*I may say yes because I want to avoid the repercussions of saying no. The potential anger and upset. Knowing that I am just delaying the inevitable.

*I may say yes because I want to be seen as a team player. I don’t want to be the one that rocks the boat, or causes dissent.

*I may say yes because I am just lazy, and really have no energy or interest in saying no.

*I may say yes because its the easiest way out.

*I may say yes because everyone else is saying yes and I don’t want to be the odd person out.

*I may say yes because there is a perceived time pressure. Often this is a ploy and not real. Sales ploys are full of time pressures. Buy now to receive 25% off. Just another form of temptation to take you away from the truth of the yes or no.

Whatever our reason, most of us find ourselves saying yes to things when we know, somewhere deep inside, that our truth is no.

When a collective says yes, without anyone saying no, the effects can be catastrophic.

This is the principle behind collusion.

Well meaning and often very smart people will all agree to something, simply because everyone else has, and no one has spoken out in the negative. We find ourselves, in our group mind, agreeing to little atrocities. People die and companies fail when we stay in a collective silence. For an excellent book on this, and one of my most favourite of all books on leadership, see The Abilene Paradox and Other Meditations on Management by Jerry Harvey.

An Absolute Yes requires our own rigorous commitment to truth. It means we are committed to making ethical decisions. It demands we dare to care more about the other, or the project, than we do about ourselves. If we cannot get passed ourselves we will not find the strength, or courage to speak up.

An Absolute Yes requires us to know ourselves very well. Know the games we play, our little excuses and stories we tell ourselves, our justifications.

Know when we are tempted to sell ourselves for less, or sabotage our success because we do not feel worthy, or give our power to someone else we think has it together more than we do.

We need to know that part of us that will allow someone to cast a spell over our souls, and blind us with glamour and temptation. The part of us that is so yearning to be loved and liked and admired and respected that we say yes….when inside screams no.

We all have our seducers. They come in various shapes and sizes, from the well spoken man offering gifts and glamor, to the beautiful woman with the dreamy eyes saying rescue me, rescue me.. to the plate of delicious food, or the fabulous pair of shoes, or the email inbox….or that work that offers money fame and fortune while swallowing whole our soul…

Saying no to anything unless it is an absolute yes requires we step passed all of these temptations and seductions. And this is why it is a discipline and practice, requiring rigor and commitment as a moment by moment act.

An absolute yes resonates with every part of our being. There is no place for any doubt, no remaining uncertainty. We may not know what will happen next, and we may be terrified, but we know that we have said yes to what is required and we are aligned to that.

Saying an absolute yes means that we accept that we are responsible. We cannot blame another for our choice.

If you have not yet reached the place of absolute yes, then it doesn’t mean that the answer will be no forever. It does mean that for now it is a no. You may require extra pieces of information, another perspective, more insight.

Taking the time to gather the information, sit in inquiry, create space and time for reflection are essential ingredients for the complexities of decision making.

There ain’t nothing as power infusing as an absolute yes. 

Photo by Jeremy Yap on Unsplash

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