Into the well of spiritual exhaustion

It amazes me that I have been a guest of this world for 54 years. Like many people I speak to in my generation, we feel as vital as we did in our thirties, yet the reflection in the mirror sometimes shocks. “Who is that person!” More scary, the reflection in our many devises as we look down to send a text, or make a call.

The lesson I am learning, after all of these years…is that I am not alone. Have never been alone. Have never carried a burden on my own…that this ‘aloneness’ is the delusion.

Yesterday while I was in a deep slump…I decided to practice what Pema Chodron teaches…”Instead of asking ourselves how to find security and happiness we could ask ourselves can I touch the centre of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss and disgrace, disappointment in all of its many forms, and let it open me?”

So I did that…I went to the well of my spiritual exhaustion. Right into it…this feeling of shouldering a burden for so so long. My trying, trying, to animate my dreams, to support a world where beauty is found in all dimensions of enterprise. I went to the place where I felt abandoned by spirit. Abandoned…in despair.

And this question arose…

If spirit, soul, source are supporting me 100% right now…right at this moment…right when I feel so unsupported…if I was actually being fully supported…what would that support look like?

And the answer that arose was this…it would look exactly as it is right now. That the only way I will get that the support is there, always has been, always will be, is to go to the bottom of its ‘absence’. To see, at the bottom, that the absence is the lie.

Then this question arose…what does true partnership with Source look like…embracing the support in every moment?

It feels like this…

I was lying in my bed in the dark hours before dawn, and I let every cell in my body relax. I let my body sink…like melted butter…and I let the bed, the Universe, Source, hold me.

I felt held. Really deeply held.

Now to remember this is always available…always…

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